It’s My Birthday and I’ll Cry If I Want To

Help Me! I’m Melting!! Meeelllltiiiing!!

By the time you read this it will be the morning of my birthday.  I will have lived one year longer than Jesus lived to be and he certainly accomplished a lot more than I have so far. It’s very easy to get hung up on that.  You can look back at the past, see how things didn’t go the way you expected and get discouraged.  But, I am learning to stop that terrible habit of looking backwards.  Lot’s wife in the Bible looked back and look what happened to her.  It led her nowhere and she became absolutely nothing.  Like literally…I mean she turned into salt…like a pillar of salt.  If you don’t know the story look it up.  If that doesn’t stop you from looking back at the past nothing will.  The past probably didn’t go the way you expected and neither will the future.  I hate to break it to you, well…actually…I’m not sorry.  You need to know this.  Hopefully you will know this younger than I am learning it.  I use to look at the older men on the streets playing their trumpets for money and be afraid that I would be one of them in my elder years.  I was afraid I would not accomplish the life I had dreamed of.  I haven’t.  I’m not living the life I dreamed of.  But I am also strangely in this place of not wanting the life I had once dreamed of.

Can you please direct me to the road less taken?

Now that I am into my thirties I have started a new road that has new dreams.  Some of my dreams are old ones dusted off and shined up with some new embellishments. Others are brand new.  The new ones are dreams born from spending so many years figuring out what I don’t want to do. I’ve spent almost the entirety of my ten working years doing jobs I didn’t want to do.  So, I’ve got a very clear understanding of what will make me miserable.  The side of this I love is that I also have a very clear understanding of what type of work fulfills me.  This business was born out of my love for real stories.  I love watching people.  I love to sit with people I have never met and talk to them about themselves and their lives.  My favorite times at work were when we interviewed individuals who had come through rehab to reclaim their lives.  Real life is that brilliant shit you can’t make up.  My writing teacher said that she was once given a critique by a theater critic about how parts of her play that were true were too impossible to believe.  Although I sometimes wish Julian Fellowes would write my story with as great an ending as Edith’s, I have hope that no matter how it ends it will inspire someone. Right now I’m just trying to plan for dragons and fight my way through so that I leave this world proud of what I left behind.

To The Revolution!





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