Where Am I?
When I was about seven years old my Mother asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. At that age I was already writing stories, but II don’ know that I realized it could be a profession until I was about eleven years old. I remember having a visual in my head of what a “Grown-Up Ebony” would look like. That picture is still burned on my brain. I don’t remember how I answered her question. I do remember that even though I could see that picture in my mind’s eye, “grown-up” at that age meant high-school age and so I probably said something like, “Be A Cheerleader” which I never became and don’t regret never being. My Sister took up that mantle much better than I ever could. But that woman in my mind’s eye is still sitting, waiting to come to fruition.
A few months ago, just after the Typecast Concert I broke down at my day job. I took a walk outside with a co-worker because I was convinced that kid Ebony would be very disappointed with adult Ebony. I have always been opinionated, so I could just imagine her scolding me for what we meant to be and definitely failed at becoming. She’d be shaking her tiny finger and head with her plats swinging in the air looking up at me saying, “No, No, No! Why are we an Assistant? Why are we planning travel for other people and not traveling ourselves? Why are we not a boss lady and making theater?! I’m mad at you!”
A few weeks later my Pastor gave a sermon on work that helped to change my perspective. It changed my perspective in a way that made the idea make sense to me when it hadn’t before. In the past I have felt like I was wrong for not settling and just embracing the work I do. I can’t. I won’t. And I’ve finally realized that it is okay. The day to day will never be a joy for me. I won’t wake up in the morning excited to plan someone else’s work day, travel or do a boat load of expenses. What I realized is that I hadn’t asked a question that needed asking, “Lord, what is my mission while you have me here?”. In past jobs the mission has been made clear pretty quickly. This is the first job where I have been given mini-missions or have had a longer lead time between what I am use to the “missions” looking like. I have slowly come to realize that the “mission” is different altogether this time.
Coming into Focus
This summer I re-focused. The sermon Pastor Rich gave was the beginning and once I focused on asking the Lord this question of mission and how I could best partner with him, doors began to open. I feel like 2018 has been a lot about focus and being in the moment. An old co-worker wrote an Instagram post about staying in your current season that I loved so much and if you are interested and follow me on Instagram I will share it with you. But essentially she pointed out how quickly life passes and how we are constantly looking towards what’s next and not enjoying our current season. Enjoying my current season has always been a hard one. Especially because most of the seasons I’ve lived in have been Lifetime movie of the month worthy. They are seasons no one wants to go through. Unfortunately that means I haven’t exercised the “stay in the moment” muscle enough so that when good moments arise I struggle with reveling in them. I will literally be standing in the middle of a dream come true and be thinking about the next day and how disappointed I’ll be when it’s all over instead of basking in the glory of the dream moment. It has been so bad I have had to reach out to friends to ask them to pray for me to be able to stay in the moment.
2018 has had no chill. The ups have been some of the highest of my producing and directing career and the lows have been deaths. There has been no middle ground and that hasn’t helped with my ability to stay in the moment. But in order for me to grieve the losses properly I have to stay in those moments and feel those feelings too. In order for me to be grateful for the opportunities God has given me I have to feel the joy and triumph of where He has brought me. To give my all in my day job and glorify His name I must focus at work, do well and ask Him how I can partner in mission for as long as He has me there. Staying in the moments, focusing, and understanding your season without wishing it away is crucial to being whole and walking out your calling with joy, strength and integrity.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m a planner and I think looking ahead is great when it’s done with a healthy perspective. But when we are constantly looking back at our “shoulda coulda wouldas” or looking ahead in fear or wanting to hurry up and get out of whatever season we are in we miss the lessons we need to learn in this one. This is why the next season can often not be much better than the one previous. In every season you have to take yourself.
Taking Myself Into the New Year
I don’t make New Year’s resolutions. I never have because I see that people regularly break them. I just go through my year making choices. I decided that waiting for something good to happen to me was stupid. I think a lot of us do that when sometimes what God is asking us to do is to take some action and walk in obedience. Yes, God had dropped wonderful things into my lap in 2018, but many of those things came as a result of steps forward I had previously taken. There was some reaping from seeds He’d allowed me to sow. A year before I never would have thought that anything good that happened in 2018 would have come to fruition the way it did. My prayer is that I continue to follow His leading and prompting. I hope that I can continue to walk in courageous obedience and accept that I don’t always know what I’m doing and that learning and asking for help are seeds I’m sowing into the future. And that even if things don’t pan out the way I would have liked them to and I look on any one of the goals I’ve set as a “failure” I will have learned from those moments, take what I’ve learned and turned it into a new seed sewn in good faith that some day it will bare sweet fruit.
Happy New Year friends! Make good choices!
To The Revolution!